“I love you, Forever.”
I was a fool for many many years for believing in it. Beware with the word ‘Forever’ cuz it can breaks your faith, trust, hope & dream. I don’t know why human created this word (forever) when they know there is nothing in this world could be described with it – life, love, fortune and fame has its own life span. Nothing lasts forever, scars and tattoos are removable. That’s how to describe how temporary we are and everything around us.
He was the centre of my affection for many years. He taught me the meaning of fidelity, virtue, simplicity and most of all – love is love, regardless age gap, race, religion, distance, background and ones need no reasons to love. I never had been feeling as sheltered as I was with him. He eased the doubt, anger, confusion and hollow in me for my life is quite fucked up due to stupid decisions and mistakes I’ve done in my past.
This feeling for him was so grand, and I kept it deep to the core of my heart. I refused to share my beautiful relationship with peoples around me because most of them are prejudice, skeptical and mean towards our kind of relationship and so I refused to listen to what they think about it. No one knows that I’m purely in blissful love for the past few years until he changed his mind and dropped the bomb by saying – “this is not going to work out, and the truth is, I mind our age gap.” Then I realized, the truth is.. I was living in denial.
I cried for the whole week, until now, every time I think of him and time we had together. I survived my nights with the helped of sleeping pills and talked to my girlfriends. The thoughts of promises, the ring, the house and mini us flashed in and out in the back of my cornea and my mind. I tried to find his mistakes so that I can blame and hate him in order for me to move on, but all I found was mine. It was even more heartbreaking episode when he decided this at the time I missed and needed him the most. A friend told me that it would take a very special person for distance and age to truly not matter. So I came to the conclusion that I am not that lucky to be that special or maybe he changed his mind because he finally found someone who deserves him more than me.
..and I don’t want people to tell me to be strong and keep move on, because I am born survivor and I know any wound will eventually healed whether I wanted it or not. Everything has its own lifespan and so this pain – this is just another phase, it will eventually fade and vanish whether I wished it or not. But now, just let me cry a river.
I found this on his wall the day he dropped me which he posted it few days before.
..and so I know, what we had was only another tale story….
WilmaryadAugust 29, 2010 at 12:49 pm
Aww, sweetie. I regret this happened to your sunny self. It’s alright not to be strong in times like these. We’re human … mortal creatures blessed with the faculty of forgetting. So, yes, time it will take. Patience, it will require. And tears, it will inspire. Long distance relationships are the toughest. Mine ended a year ago this August. But was there not even a slight chance for you to join and live with him until your own forever joined the Eternal?
Big brotherly hugs!
Independent QueenAugust 29, 2010 at 3:03 pm
Wilmy, it is all true in every words u said. In time like this, or other, comfort from a friend(s) is all we need…
WilmaryadAugust 29, 2010 at 3:08 pm
Count me in, girl! Just cos nobody was there for me all year won’t make me a cold-hearted bastard. 🙂
Independent QueenSeptember 7, 2010 at 4:02 pm
@Wilmy: thanks wilmy… person like u made heartbroken pain seems less severe..