If I were a mother


Just like any other women, I wish to experience the motherhood too. People once told me that you are nothing until you are a mother. Now I am so ready to feel what my mom felt while she raised me up, all her sweat and tears and the hurt when I opposed her.

Before I knew Mike and stay in Alaska, I only had materialism – kind – of – mommy – dream in my mind. First I can think of was stylish baby clothes. Next is expensive baby stroller, a fancy kind that fits for royalty baby. And then imagine how big is the celebration to welcome the baby into this world – a color themed party. Lastly, to introduce my baby to all big shopping malls in the world and designers such as Ralph Lauren, Gucci and Burberry.

Then, I met Mike. Cut story short, he brought me back to reality and taught me the basic needs in life in such way that I least expected and hated the most. Which is, exploring the woods. He gave me all the time that took me to learn about nature and grew fond of it. I spent crazy amount of time to take all pictures of the leaves, stone, pebbles and insects until I came a crossed a couple with their toddler, complete with his tiny rain coat and hat. Hand in hand with his daddy, and with his little cute steps, he kept asking “are we there yet?”. His daddy replied “not yet, just a little bit” where I can sensed a huge patience in his answer, every time.

role mother

It touches my heart and how I wished to be in that couple shoes. I looked at Mike and he all smiled at me. Later on I bumped into a lady that carries her baby on her back (picture above). Just like a person who see helicopter for the first time in her life, I was stunned and amazed with what I saw. I asked her permission to take her picture with her baby for my collection. “I never met someone that bring their baby at this young age into the woods, and this is so cute”. I explained myself to her and she granted my request.

My heart blooms. I showed to Mike and he told me that his plans to carry our baby as young as that to everywhere he goes. Everywhere!

Since that day, I wish something different for my motherhood dream. I said to myself that, if at this age, I still able to learn that world doesn’t revolves around me with only spending time in the woods and being close to nature wonder, just imagine what can it do if you start early like that baby? I admit that I am not a scholar and know much about religion and God. So I have this idea for my baby as an early approach, to know the Creator of all his creations through one tiny sand and a piece of leaf. I’d teach my baby to be nice and caring towards life forms that is so weak and unable to speak for themselves before human.

I was born in a poor family. Yet, I still able to be where not many able to reach, experienced things that so many wanted to understand and be who I am now. So why I must give it ALL LAVISHLY to my baby with something that I, myself not sure that is what it wants. Aren’t we all born as a free man? My baby has a very long way to go (with God will) and let him/her decides the best for him/her self with the knowledge that we provided. All I can pray is that s/he will have the courage and desire for survival like me, calm, wise and humble like Mike.

I flew back to Malaysia after a week I took that mother/baby’s picture without Mike. Mike had to work and I used to fly long distance alone. Once I was in Malaysia, everybody kept asking me “are you alone, what about Mike?”

Actually I wasn’t alone. But I knew about it a little bit later. And I was crying alone in gynecologist’s lobby once I read my urine and blood test report that I got from the lab. I can’t explain the feelings that I had in my chest at that moment. Both families and closed friends were very happy for Mike and I.

Mike were so happy and yet worried. Worried about our current financial state. So he quickly finding another job option which able to give us a comfortable life to begin with for our new little family. I calmed him down and told him this baby only drink milk from me for the first few months and get him to ask his mother whether she still keep all Mike and his sisters’ baby clothes. I told Mike that I will be very flattered to be able to dress our baby in all ‘vintage’ baby clothes from Mike and his sisters. To me, it is such a waste of money to spend lots of small clothes since the baby will grow up so fast. Mike positively think that his mom still have it all since she is very sentimental kind and like to keep everything stored. My heart blooms once again thinking that if our baby is a boy, he will be wearing all cute little clothes once wore by his daddy.

However, everything still falls under God’s plan. He has another one for us. My pregnancy was detected as ectopic. I not yet feel a complete experience of pregnancy, had to undergo emergency laparscopy procedure at the age of 7 weeks pregnancy. We were separated forever on 19 August 2015 while I already have a name ready for it. I surrendered, we surrendered to God’s will but we always believed that God has better plan for us in the future.

If I were a mother, I’d still make sure my plans and wishes stay the same.

I am a survivor. This pain and sadness shall pass too.



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